1985

21 years older and the whole wide world in front of me...
24 years later and the whole wide world in front of me...

So I walked into his living room this morning and was overwhelmed by the shelving. Eleven feet tall on three sides, the other side full of paintings, some finished, some half finished, probably none of them finished.

Books everywhere. Photography books. On the shelves and one really big one, still in cardboard, but imprinted, on the floor. Was it Bettina Rheims? Shit, I can't remember. My memory is random.

My host opened the door with an almost finished cigarette and I admonished him, with no particular impunity except that I smoke much later in the day.

Not addicted. I am. I don't think that my host is. I think he just really enjoys a smoke every now and then, and I caught him, although we've shared one many times, often sparked by my pulling one out of the pack action.

Back to the room. I want to shoot my host there. It's much like the shot I've been submitting to photo contests all over the world. A portrait of a person in their environment.

There are no windows.

Perfect.

A picture of you.

Cover Star: Squalor
Headlining Band: R. Buckner (for GP)

So Much To Answer For

I'll be fielding questions from 7:00pm to 7:30pm, tonight, only.

I'd rather hear them up close and personal than hear the fucking stupid gossip later, ok?

Jus' sayin'.

Cover Star: Meagan Marie
Headlining Band: The Stone Roses

Think It's Gonna Rain

What's the difference?

I can hear the leavin' train...

...and I wish you well.

What's that you say?

Cover Star: 1:52 am
Headlining Band: CC f'n R

Done

it's done:
two days away, I packed up the last and signed
my name.

I'm sorry you are bored and half your shit is packed. I'm sorry you are in pain. I'm sorry I'm not there to help you and give you a big hug goodbye. And yes, I'll walk with you...

goodbye my cold and stolen song. never's
never been this long. if you're turning, i'll
show you where I've been and then I'll set it
straight again.

I'm sorry you are trapped in your home. I'm sorry your life has changed forever, but you knew that. I'm glad you are happy. I'm glad you drank some wine with me.

are you behind the lost and
saved?

I'm sorry you would like to hear from me and I don't have much to say. I'm sorry everything happened like it did. I'm sorry people keep asking me about you. I'm glad you are alive.

man, when the lines won't wash away...

I'm sorry you feel like I've cut you off. I'm sorry that you feel guilty about the way you treated your loved ones. I'm sorry you sweep it under the rug. I'm sorry that things will never be the same again. I wish you'd just give me five minutes.

of all the locks i never knew...

I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I'm sorry you're not older. I'm sorry I know where you are and what you're doing. I'm sorry I'm not over you. I don't know how to not miss you, yet.

when did you come home, too? i wish I'd lasted
a summer more to spend setting it straight
again. and, I go under, every now and then.
and try and set it straight again.

I'm sorry you are so far away. I'm sorry I can't be more receptive. I'm sorry you're going to go away again. I'm glad I met you. Seemed inevitable.

Cover Star: Done
Headlining Band: r. buckner

In Order To Find Yourself, You Must Be Lost

One of the best nights I've had in months. Thanks to George, Emily, Aeric, Smokey, Karolina, Jessica and everyone else I met that said that they "read my blog."

Yikes...

Well, read this - it's the best song I've heard all day:

"hey
guess it's a matter of sensation
but somehow you have a way of avoiding it all
in my mind
i have shot you and stabbed you through your heart
i just didn't understand
the ricochet is the second part

cuz you can't hide what you intend
it glows in the dark
once you've thought
about love revenge
there's no way to stop and the more i try to hurt you
the more it hurts me

strange
it seems like a character mutation
though i have all the means of bringing you fuckers down
i can't make myself
to destroy upon command
somehow forgiveness lets the evil make the laws

no you can't hide what you intend
it glows in the dark
once we've become the thing we dread
there's no way to stop and the more i try to hurt you
the more it backfires"

Cover Star: K
Headlining Band: Sparklehorse with Wayne Coyne. And I love me some Wayne...

For Once In My Life

No one is listening. Everybody is talking.

Cover Star: Ms. Hunter
Headlining Band: Steven Patrick and John Martin, and mates...

Rain That Falls Up

I have a friend going to Australia to live. I have a friend in Hong Kong, right now, wishing he were dead. I have another friend this minute on a bus to Vancouver. I have a friend coming to Brooklyn. I have another friend who just traveled away from this Earth.

A friend just traveled from Atlanta en route to Philadelphia and stopped by to play pool with me and have her snapshot taken.

Travelers, all.

I haven't traveled enough lately. The last big one was Buenos Aires, Chile, Uruguay. Tobago before that, Singapore, Dublin, Belfast, London, Strasbourg, Progresso, Hawaii, and some I can't remember or don't want to, like Las Vegas...

TTG. Time. To. GO. Even if I have to do it by myself, which was not the original plan but it is the way that it played out. I still regret it. This is a compromise. This is a matter of survival.

Seriously.

I had jury duty today and forgot. Is there a warrant out for my arrest? That could put a damper on things...

Cover Star: The Vipond
Headlining Band: Lewis Allen Reed. Turn this one up loud, too.

You Just Keep Me Hangin' On

You make me forget myself. I thought I was someone else, someone good.

Remember?

Turn it up LOUD and put it on repeat and do it all perfect day long...

...I have. And my neighbors are surely tired of it. But fuck them, it's a perfect day. And a masterpiece. And one of the most dark songs ever written - right up there with "California Dreaming" - both of these put everything Robert Smith has ever written to shame. Sorry, Bob, you know I love your fat, lipsticked ass, but the truth is the truth, or at least my truth is...

You're going to reap just what you sow.

Lewis' "perfect day" is spent with heroin, by the way.

Not you...

Cover Star: Toad Hall
Headlining Band: Lewis Allen Reed

Awake

How fast can a bottle of Laphroaig 12 go?
Depends on who's at the party.

21 shots narrowed to 7 for publication.
I'll never be able to do it.

"So, let's walk outside, the hour is late
Through your crumbs and scattered shells
Where the awed and the mediocre wait
Barely fit to ring the bells."

Cover Star: Fujiroid @ dawn
Headlining Band: Another of Mr. Cave's Jesus Songs; checkmate.

Asleep

Cover Star: Smiph
Headlining Band: Smiphs

God Damn Your Confusion

There were a bunch of them. But none of them really mattered. Only the "one." It's kind of like Don Draper or Edward Bloom, Sr.

Why?

You are not a fictional character. And neither are they.

Deep down.

Your lighter is out of fluid...and your hat is crooked.

It's Fall after all...

Cover Star: Celia
Headlining Band: One of my favorite Rapid Eye Movement ditties...

A Million Scars

Pay attention to what the man is saying:

"Psychodelicate girl - come out to play
Little metal faced-boy - don't stay away
They're so war-torn and resigned she can't talk any
more
What are they trying to prove?
What would they like to find?

It's love back to front and no sides - like I say
These pieces are broken - like I say
These pieces are broken
Hope I'm wrong but I know

Because you're young - you'll meet a stranger some night
Because you're young - what could be nicer for you and it makes me sad
So I'll dance my life away
A million dreams, a million scars

He punishes hard - was loving her such a crime
She took back everything she said
Left him nearly out of his mind
They're people I know - people I love
They seem so unhappy - dead or alive

It's love back to front and no sides - like I say
These pieces are broken - like I say
These pieces are broken
Hope I'm wrong but I know

Because you're young - you'll meet a stranger some night
Because you're young - what could be nicer for you and it I'll make me sad
So I'll dance my life away
A million dreams, a million scars
A million
A million scars
A million
A million dreams
A million
A million
A million
A million
A million"

Cover Star: Sev
Headlining Band: David Robert Hayward-Jones w/ Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend on guitar (demo version)

You Are Not The Night. Not at All...

You are just your own idea of the night.
You have yet to learn what the night really means.
And when you do, you might not want to take credit for it.

But, if you do.
I'll want to know you.

That's a long, long time from now. And in the meantime...
Memories. And that's what's killing me.
The worst thing that could possibly happen is...
...for you to come back now.

This is it. The end of "Berlin."
Should have been a double album, Mr. Reed.

Or the beginning of Berlin.
Guess we'll never know.
Never know.
Never know.

Good evening, my dear. Not good night...

Cover Star: Sad Song
Headlining Band: Lou

Paid For It With Love and Blood

Stock taking, this past week:

I had a friend die of cancer.
I had a friend have cancer scraped off of his face.
I told a friend that she was the only one I'd ever considered having children with and I meant it.
I booked a ticket to Berlin.
I got custom-made porn in my email.
I retouched porn.
I took drugs. Lots of them.
I had a cocktail or two.
I watched that last Tilda Swinton film. Twice.
I watched that last Bai Ling film. Twice.
I had a hat, I put it down and it sunk, reached down, yanked it up, slapped it on my head.
I listened to Lou Reed's "Berlin." A lot. Hopefully, so have you.

AND

My therapist was on vacation...

Careful with the next to last song, "The Bed." It's also rough. Things do not end well for Jim and Caroline. No. Not at all.

One more to go. "Sad Song" tomorrow...

Cover Star: Rachel
Headlining Band: Lou

I'm Just a Tired Man, No Words To Say

(This is a rough one. I'd just like to formally disclaim that the lyrics to this song and the above photograph are completely unrelated.

I just thought the shot of Kellie was pretty. And dark. And Berlin-ish...)

Cover Star: Kellie
Headlining Band: Lou

Funeral At The Movies

Orchard Street, Lower East Side, New York City, yesterday afternoon, on the way to Fontana's, a couple of hours before passing out on the couch at 7:30pm.

I'm still tired as hell, but I got a sweet lid.

Now I can go out in style!

Photo by Carolyn, my hat stylist and hat confidant.

Cover Star: moi
Headlining Band: Lou

Oh, Jim, How Could You Treat Me This Way?

Back to our regularly scheduled dirge.

"Berlin" - side 2. Stick with me. I won't let you down...

Cover Star: April
Headlining Band: Lou

We Have Many Things In Common, Name Three...

A little intermission from Lou Reed's "Berlin."
Get some popcorn and a Coke.
Spike that Coke with some whiskey.
Smoke a cigarette.
Think about the film you just saw.

This film always makes me cry.
The director is from Athens, Georgia.
It's a masterpiece.

But side 2 of "Berlin" is gonna start in three minutes and twenty-five seconds, so don't tarry...

The intermission goes like this:

"Now I'm not feeding off you, I will rearrange your scales
If I can, and I can
March into the ocean, march into the sea

I had a hat I put it down and it sunk, reached down,
Yanked it up, slapped it on my head
All the people gather
Fly to carry each his burden
We are young despite the years we are concern
We are hope despite the times
All of the sudden, these days
Happy throngs, take this joy wherever, wherever

I wish to meet each one of you
And you, me, you, if I can and I can
We have many things in common, name three

I had a hat and it sunk, reached down,
Yanked it up, slapped it on my head
All the people gather
Fly to carry each his burden
We are young despite the years we are concern
We are hope despite the times
All of the sudden, these days
Happy throngs, take this joy wherever, wherever you go

Now I'm not feeding off you I will rearrange your scales
If I can and I can
I wish to eat each one of you and you, me, you

I had a hat and it sunk, reached down,
Yanked it up, slapped it on my head
All the people gather
Fly to carry each his burden
We are young despite the years we are concern
We are hope despite the times
All of the sudden, these days
Happy throngs, take this joy wherever, wherever you

Carry each his burden
We are young despite the years we are concern
We are hope despite the times
All of the sudden, these days
Happy throngs, take this joy wherever, wherever you go."

I'm off to buy a hat...

Cover Star: Maxine
Headlining Band: Stipey Mike and pals

How Do You Think It Feels...

...and when do you think it stops?

Track #5 from "Berlin." Five more to go...
I hope you all are "enjoying" it.

And I know I don't have to say this, but I will: actually, I don't give a fuck whether you are or not.

Headlining Band: Lou

Hair Pillow

I don't even want to talk about the STT show last night.

But I will anyway...

It fucking sucked.

Kind of like paying to see The Beatles reunion and then upon them taking the stage, being told that John and George had died and were being replaced by some guys from Creed.

Harsh, but true. Where the fuck were Nate and Stu?

I love me some Craig Wedren, but dude - truth in advertising? Bait and switch? C'mon...

My favorite thing about this band is the WAY that Nate ATTACKS his guitar and augments Craig's histrionics.

Nope.

It fucking sucked.

The Bowery Ballroom should have called it "Craig Sings STT" and then - well, I probably would not have gone.

Unfortunately I did. And left early.

Cover Star: Karolina
Headlining Band: Lou

Evidence

Photographer Tanya Dakin, from about a year and a half ago. I was clearly in a state of decline. But Chuck Close's "Kate" photo gave me enough energy to lift my arms. I was surprised that my friend Chris told me the other night that Kate was his favorite too...



Photographer Tito Trelles, from two weeks ago. I was clearly in better shape physically (or at least I'd shaved). Taken whilst I was shooting a "Self-Portrait" with April, from Canada. I was surprised that my friend Tito didn't send me this. April did.



I have good (and talented) friends. I think I may have mentioned that one before.

Cover Star: moi, kate and april
Headlining Band: Lou

She Had To Go Insane. It Had To Be That Way.

Most of my best friends are female.

So, I talk to them about my female problems. And my male problems. And my non-gender specific problems and concerns.

Sometimes they sulk. Sometimes they spout brilliant philosophy. Sometimes they judge. And sometimes they are jealous. Which is inappropriate.

Human nature.

They are all of these things. And I love that. And all of them.

Cover Star: Lisa
Headlining Band: Lou